A World of Strangers to Anger
Ever wonder why we treat emotions differently? I couldn’t help but notice the different treatment anger receives in comparison to other emotions, and the high price we pay as a result, individually and as a global community. Our anger is part of who we are, this emotion holds the same value as other emotions and like other emotions, anger’s job is to serve us. Yet we mismarket, suppress and displace anger.
Emotional equality
When I look back at my childhood, I realise that I was taught to be emotionally illiterate. In fact all of us were, the most obvious example being how we were directed in our relationship with anger.
We are taught to manage this emotion, and there are even “Anger Management” workshops! Anger is the only emotion known to have a management program, presupposing the need to be controlled. All emotions to an extent need to be managed to an extent, otherwise we can be overwhelmed. The problem with anger is that we barely get to know it, before we are taught to control it.
If we are able to sit with our anger and get to know our anger better, there would be less need to manage it. We would treat anger like other emotions, being in the moment with the emotion and only being encouraged to simmer it down when it gets out of hand. For example, someone may say to a person overwhelmed by joy, “alright, calm down!”.
It doesn’t happen often but when something happens that sends the emotion into overdrive, we can be overwhelmed. We should have the same relationship with anger, it should be the rare occasion that overwhelms us.
The mismarketing and suppression of anger
Anger is to be frowned upon and because of this we displace and suppress our anger. Once I qualified as a Psychotherapist, I remembered having a moment where I thought I wasn’t allowed to be angry. Such was the social pressure of my new qualification, that I felt I had to model happiness. After being conflicted and reflecting for a few months, I found that happiness is not the goal, emotional stability is (for me), and that’s what I should be modelling. There are no good or bad emotions, although they’re framed this way.
Emotions are energy, energy that communicates across our nervous system, affecting the functionality of everything under our skin, and how we process the outside world. Blocking emotions prevents internal communication, causing a divide between self, emotions and body. Having a negative impact on our health and our overall experience of the outter world.
If we held the same judgements with our organs and cast one aside, as we do with anger. We would live with physical health problems and have a shorter life span. The same outcomes are happening with emotions however, we do not see them because emotions are invisible, we only see the problem when we physically respond to our emotional deficiencies.
The video below is a highlight reel of anger from the film Inside Out. He represents how society views anger.
The good, the bad and the anger
Emotions serve us in good and bad ways . For example, anger can protect us from danger and empower us to take charge, rather than compromising our welfare. However, anger may also protect us from being vulnerable, impoverishing relationships and stunting growth. Vulnerability is fundamental for growth. These are two examples of anger’s good and bad behaviour.
The judgements we have of “good” and “bad” emotions are based upon generalisations of what caused the emotions to arise or happened as a result of the emotion. Our responses are likely to be problematic if we rely on chance, or trial and error for emotional development. In literacy, reading and writing are not bad, but you can read and write badly. It’s the same with emotions, they are not bad, but you can use them badly. Emotional literacy, like literacy needs to be exercised for development.
Embracing ALL emotions
Being a stranger to anger, makes us a stranger to part of ourselves. To avoid acknowledgment/acting on anger, we pretend as though it doesn’t exist. Absolutely fuming, with a smile on our face, and reporting our frustrations to a friend at a later time.
While pretending, we form a close bond with the role we play. A bond closer than who we are when we’re angry. The angry side of us remains, underdeveloped and dormant, it’s why we consider some people immature. They may of matured at the level as everybody else but that part remains an infant. They left anger in primary school, while the other parts of self were embraced and progressed through the systems, developing through trial and error.
By allowing emotions to flow at different frequencies and embracing them as they generate, we get to learn about our whole self and start our journey of self acceptance. Accepting all things about yourself that others may frown upon, creating motivation to have conversations which were previously avoided, because you become aware of the disturbance suppressed anger has on your well-being.
Separating behaviour from intention
If you’re in a space of acknowledging that you do not have a functional relationship with your anger and would like to, below are some questions that I ask myself if I find myself really angry. Please note, that you have to develop the skill of taking a time out first.
I can be absolutely raging however, I am in a space to know I am raging and not act on rage. In fact, not act at all, I acknowledge the rage and sit with it, once the emotion simmers I will calibrate the whole situation and ask myself questions like -
Why did x promote a response within me?
Has x happened to me in the past, in a different way and I haven’t dealt with it?
Did I promote x within the other person, which led to them promoting x within me?
What is the person’s intention? They may of hurt me because they’re incapable of selecting a better response, but their intentions were good and responding from a place of pain.
The above are just some examples, depending on how big the situation is. I would ask myself more questions and forensically go through the situation from an angle of sole responsibility. Somewhere down the line I have behaved in a way that triggered this behaviour, kept this person in my life when they shouldn’t of been, allowed the situation to affect me etc..
Note how I separated judgement of self and the other person, it becomes a judgement of intention and responses.
In the first point I made reference to a response being promoted within me. If you find yourself feeling embarrassed because of your responses, it can have an impact on your self-esteem. Separation to study situations makes it easier understand, solve, develop and keeps your self esteem in tact. I did the same with the last point when I separated the other person’s behaviour from their intentions, giving me a clearer lens to assess the situation and not cast them away. The relationship with the other person should not be easy to fracture, respect the relationship.
What happens to the anger?
Because the root of the emotion is not born in the present, its age gives great power over the person. This is presented in the form of physical, verbal and non-verbal day to day low level responses and random outbursts. Because of our lack of education around emotions and the mismarketing of anger, outbursts are common, so is judging those who have the outbursts. Instead of judgement we should view the outburst as a form of communication, as it reveals an emotional problem.
Stereotypical examples of aggression
What about when we do express our anger aggressively? Do we understand how, why and what’s going on?
1) Physical: This often starts with young boys in Primary School and follows them into their adult lives, punching and kicking once triggered. It’s difficult for young boys not to be aggressive when all their superheroes get angry and fight to solve their problems, and the world judges them based upon their ability to exercise their aggression.
Being unable to manage anger is somewhat celebrated and some muster up an angry state to put on a show at times because it fills a space within them. Attention, control, a release etc..
2) Verbal: Common among men and women, especially those who grew up within a household that problem solved this way and had to shout over others to be heard. Aside from volume, they will say degrading things about the other person to knock them down in an effort to build themselves up emotionally.
3) Non-verbal: Aggression is commonly delivered non-verbally by women. It’s not seen as socially acceptable to express anger physically. Anger is often expressed through indirect aggression, in the form of spreading false rumours, gossiping, excluding others from a social group and making insinuations without direct accusation. I call this passive aggressive style ‘Abuse without the Bruises’. It can be difficult for the victim to explain their experience but they can certainly feel it.
(more on gender specific aggression here)
Current state of society
Children are being excluded from schools, young adults enter correctional system, broken relationships, self harming, suicide ideation, abusive households and premature death. This is not because of our relationship with anger alone, it is representative of our relationships with emotions.
What can we do to bring about positive change?
Make emotional literacy as part of the syllabus: Teachers, sports coaches and senior management should develop therapeutic skills as part of their training. This will help them to create a fruitful environment, reduce inflammatory behaviours and be models of excellence.
Teach emotional literacy in schools: Use PSHE/SMSC to teach students about anger (emotions), with segments covering the intricacies of non-verbal aggression, the lack of control that leads to unfortunate circumstances, the positive sides of anger, how society views anger and the impact.
Diversify role models for young boys: It’s no secret that men are more aggressive than women, we can start the changes early, focusing on their role models. Boys have crime fighters as their role models, it would be great if you could find crime fighting superheroes that used alternative ways to succeed. For example, Professor X from the X Men uses his mind to succeed. Making someone like him prominent and cool, will provide inspiration.
Creating a safe space: Judging people that have emotional outbursts puts them on edge, empathising with them, lets them know it’s a safe space to let their guard down and start their journey of emotional development. Create a space within the space.
Learn about the emotion: Click here for information about repressed anger and support on how to express anger healthily.
What will happen as a result of the positive change?
A reduction in the prison population, reduced stress on health services, less conflict and more people living harmoniously. Making the world a safer place.
Thank you for reading ;)
Kevin George
Human Performance Consultant
#KGEmotionalLiteracy
